Lesson A ~ Iizuka

[ladymia]

Username: Iizuka
Age: 16
What You Want Help With: I'd like to work on my description and keeping a good quality throughout the entirety of my posts rather than seeing it contained to the few areas it ever appears in. Basically, the quality of my posts, as well as making them look nicer, is what I'm looking to improve on.

Alright. Lets begin, Ill make a scenario, and I want you to write a 4 paragraph minimum piece of RP about whats happening, your thoughts feelings etc. Just write it as you normally would, the same tense, detail etc. This is just to see an example of how you'd normally RP, and how I can help ya.

Scenario

Your Village has just been attacked, a gargantuan number of ninja of various ranks, ranging from Genin all the way to Jonin stand outside the Village gates, attempting to break through using powerful fire style techniques. Golden flames are blasting against the thick wooden doors, many smaller parts of the fire breaking off and falling over the side of the doors. Women and children of the Village are currently being taken to safety by a minority of Chunin, and all Genin. The rest of the ninja - Chunin, Jonin and the Hokage himself, are all lining up. Preparing for battle, all battle capable medics have been commanded to step foot onto the battlefield, while all those who are not - remain in the Village hospital awaiting the waves of casualties.

The doors are eventually broken down with one great " Bash " , and the huge army of enemy ninja speed forwards, waving their kunai, swords, maces, fans and chains high in the air, giving out a number of mighty war cries as they clashed together with your own forces, and did battle. As the battle progressed, many of your dear friends and loved ones who were forced to fight, were mortally injured, or even killed, your Hokage forces you to go back and protect the women and children, as some enemy scouts are currently roaming the Village in search of them. However, your Villages forces are cutting down rather rapidly, and the enemies forces aren't doing so quite so fast. The Hokage is outnumbered, and its your decision what you do, do you go back and help other Genin and Chunin protect the Women and Children, or do you continue fighting here? And use whatever strength you have left in helping your Kage keep these enemy ninja as far outside the Village as possible?

Alright - Go!

[zuka]

The thundering clashes of fire and bombardments against the great gates had long since ceased, as the smoke had poured out and from it escaped what appeared to be hundreds of ninja. Each charged forward with all their might, and the quantity of them was vastly overwhelming to the forces the village itself had. Fortunately, however, this was Hi no Kuni, which meant that the call for forces had brought a plethora of allied ninja to aid in the cause. For if it had been Taki, the call would have been unheeded, and three people and three people alone would have been left to defend the village against the ruthless onslaught.

In what seemed like only seconds, the battle had already begun - and been lost. Within only moments, the vast forces that Hi no Kuni had managed to acquire had been cut down, the attacks of the enemy slicing through our great numbers and putting to rest even the greatest ninja of the village. The Aburame had managed to escape this hell, but at what cost? For as he cut through the numbers of the opposing forces, he could only see the blood of his allies, and sometimes his closest friends. The defending force had not been able to deal nearly as much damage as had the attacking ninja. Within him, the sadness welled as lifetime friends drew their final breaths, and collapsed to the earth, only in the highest disrespect to be trampled upon as the enemy advanced.

The anger building, Iizuka charged forward, and with blind rage began his flurry of seals. Yet, just as quickly as it had began, a mass hurled itself at him, and he opened his eyes to see that the Hokage had taken him back, forcibly pushing him away from the enemies that had so ruthlessly slaughtered his allies. As the tears welled in his eyes, he could just barely hear the cry of the Hokage, screaming the orders to return and protect all the citizens of the village. He, too, had tears in his eyes, and the dirt and blood had been thrown across his face and body. His clothes had been tattered and ripped, and through the openings you could see small wounds. He had managed to protect himself, but with every wound came a new weakness. The Chuunin could see the weakness the Hokage had already gathered, but yet he had received his orders. What was he to do?

The Hokage, just as quickly as he had came, vanished into the fog of war, where battle-medics had cast themselves over the bodies of the injured, and where the few survivors were meeting their doom. The fallen of the enemy were few, and even through their losses they pushed onwards. The bloodlust in their eyes was clear - there was no stopping this. Clearly, the village would be overtaken. But, how could he move back to protect the villagers at this point? The logical option was not to leave, but only to buy more time so the other Chuunin and Genin could further lead the villagers from harm.

The chakra, fueled by his rage, burst forth from his person. His battle cry echoed over the cries of pain and of combat, and the earth itself was rendered and split as his hands were cast into seals. The fissures created by his chakra would soon contort, and from the seams would burst forth spikes, blasting upwards into the enemy numbers at random, and with his control the enemy fell, but of course where one met their end, another hundred rose to take his place. As he gazed into the eyes of a thousand enemies, the crystal armor would be overtaking his body, and the battle-ready Iizuka stepped forth. Leaping into the air, the hundred needles would burst from his person, and each needle flew towards another target. As the bodies that charged at him fell to the earth, stopped in their tracks, the Aburame came to a thudding crash into the earth. The dust rose around him, and as he stood from the small crater, the enemy began to surround him.

They didn't advance just yet, but instead encircled him. Standing at about fifteen meters distance, their overwhelming forces were clearly too much to take on. All around, the battle was continuing, and the countless forces had begun to finally overwhelm and defeat the other Konoha-nin. The thick smoke and fog of war made it impossible to know how they had fared, but the number of ninja that now surrounded the Aburame made it clear that it was not good. Upon each of their faces was a smirk, and within each eye was the glittering bloodlust that had now begun its haunting descent on Iizuka.

The Aburame had also worn a smirk as the enemy surrounded him. As he gazed around, his maniacal cackling began, as if he had gone insane. He opened his arms, welcoming the opponents to attempt to defeat him, and as the sun shone upon his crystalline countenance, the ninja burst in on him. As they ran forward, his cackling grew louder, and from his armor burst thousands upon thousands of insects. Their numbers spread over the Aburame and outwards as the ninja caved in on the black mass, and soon the Kikaichu had overwhelmed the enemy forces. What now remained was the ninja, directing their techniques at the Aburame, at the insects, at one another - and in the center was the Aburame, but soon he, too, was shrouded by the black cloud of insects.

Survivors never knew if the Aburame emerged that day.

[ladymia]

Niiiice. Well, if I'm honest. Your description is fine, the detail you're putting in your posts is of a high standard, and your posts are entertaining to read. If you maybe wanted to put in a little more detail entailing what you witnessed as your friends fell to their deaths, or maybe just put in a bit more detail on your feelings in general. As well as that, try to include a little bit of speech from your character, that can spice up the dramticy! But don't use too much speech, it becomes dull, then readers lose interest. I think thats all you can do in terms of improving the detail in your posts. But, In my opinion, your pretty much sorted when it comes to that aspect of the post.

Moving onto the layout of your post. Its neat, but - I understand your point that using size 1 text can become a little boring. Well, theres loooads of ways you can lay out your posts. Using a range of fonts, paragraphs, and the odd colours now and then. Never write in big text. Obviously that looks disgusting. I'll give you a few examples of different ways you could lay out your posts, and you can see whether or not you like them.

Example 1

SPOILER: Click to show

____________________

The thundering clashes of fire and bombardments against the great gates had long since ceased, as the smoke had poured out and from it escaped what appeared to be hundreds of ninja. Each charged forward with all their might, and the quantity of them was vastly overwhelming to the forces the village itself had. Fortunately, however, this was Hi no Kuni, which meant that the call for forces had brought a plethora of allied ninja to aid in the cause. For if it had been Taki, the call would have been unheeded, and three people and three people alone would have been left to defend the village against the ruthless onslaught.

In what seemed like only seconds, the battle had already begun - and been lost. Within only moments, the vast forces that Hi no Kuni had managed to acquire had been cut down, the attacks of the enemy slicing through our great numbers and putting to rest even the greatest ninja of the village. The Aburame had managed to escape this hell, but at what cost? For as he cut through the numbers of the opposing forces, he could only see the blood of his allies, and sometimes his closest friends. The defending force had not been able to deal nearly as much damage as had the attacking ninja. Within him, the sadness welled as lifetime friends drew their final breaths, and collapsed to the earth, only in the highest disrespect to be trampled upon as the enemy advanced.

The anger building, Iizuka charged forward, and with blind rage began his flurry of seals. Yet, just as quickly as it had began, a mass hurled itself at him, and he opened his eyes to see that the Hokage had taken him back, forcibly pushing him away from the enemies that had so ruthlessly slaughtered his allies. As the tears welled in his eyes, he could just barely hear the cry of the Hokage, screaming the orders to return and protect all the citizens of the village. He, too, had tears in his eyes, and the dirt and blood had been thrown across his face and body. His clothes had been tattered and ripped, and through the openings you could see small wounds. He had managed to protect himself, but with every wound came a new weakness. The Chuunin could see the weakness the Hokage had already gathered, but yet he had received his orders. What was he to do?

The Hokage, just as quickly as he had came, vanished into the fog of war, where battle-medics had cast themselves over the bodies of the injured, and where the few survivors were meeting their doom. The fallen of the enemy were few, and even through their losses they pushed onwards. The bloodlust in their eyes was clear - there was no stopping this. Clearly, the village would be overtaken. But, how could he move back to protect the villagers at this point? The logical option was not to leave, but only to buy more time so the other Chuunin and Genin could further lead the villagers from harm.

The chakra, fueled by his rage, burst forth from his person. His battle cry echoed over the cries of pain and of combat, and the earth itself was rendered and split as his hands were cast into seals. The fissures created by his chakra would soon contort, and from the seams would burst forth spikes, blasting upwards into the enemy numbers at random, and with his control the enemy fell, but of course where one met their end, another hundred rose to take his place. As he gazed into the eyes of a thousand enemies, the crystal armor would be overtaking his body, and the battle-ready Iizuka stepped forth. Leaping into the air, the hundred needles would burst from his person, and each needle flew towards another target. As the bodies that charged at him fell to the earth, stopped in their tracks, the Aburame came to a thudding crash into the earth. The dust rose around him, and as he stood from the small crater, the enemy began to surround him.

They didn't advance just yet, but instead encircled him. Standing at about fifteen meters distance, their overwhelming forces were clearly too much to take on. All around, the battle was continuing, and the countless forces had begun to finally overwhelm and defeat the other Konoha-nin. The thick smoke and fog of war made it impossible to know how they had fared, but the number of ninja that now surrounded the Aburame made it clear that it was not good. Upon each of their faces was a smirk, and within each eye was the glittering bloodlust that had now begun its haunting descent on Iizuka.

The Aburame had also worn a smirk as the enemy surrounded him. As he gazed around, his maniacal cackling began, as if he had gone insane. He opened his arms, welcoming the opponents to attempt to defeat him, and as the sun shone upon his crystalline countenance, the ninja burst in on him. As they ran forward, his cackling grew louder, and from his armor burst thousands upon thousands of insects. Their numbers spread over the Aburame and outwards as the ninja caved in on the black mass, and soon the Kikaichu had overwhelmed the enemy forces. What now remained was the ninja, directing their techniques at the Aburame, at the insects, at one another - and in the center was the Aburame, but soon he, too, was shrouded by the black cloud of insects.

Survivors never did know if the Aburame emerged that day...

____________________

Example 2

SPOILER: Click to show

The thundering clashes of fire and bombardments against the great gates had long since ceased, as the smoke had poured out and from it escaped what appeared to be hundreds of ninja. Each charged forward with all their might, and the quantity of them was vastly overwhelming to the forces the village itself had. Fortunately, however, this was Hi no Kuni, which meant that the call for forces had brought a plethora of allied ninja to aid in the cause. For if it had been Taki, the call would have been unheeded, and three people and three people alone would have been left to defend the village against the ruthless onslaught.

In what seemed like only seconds, the battle had already begun - and been lost. Within only moments, the vast forces that Hi no Kuni had managed to acquire had been cut down, the attacks of the enemy slicing through our great numbers and putting to rest even the greatest ninja of the village. The Aburame had managed to escape this hell, but at what cost? For as he cut through the numbers of the opposing forces, he could only see the blood of his allies, and sometimes his closest friends. The defending force had not been able to deal nearly as much damage as had the attacking ninja. Within him, the sadness welled as lifetime friends drew their final breaths, and collapsed to the earth, only in the highest disrespect to be trampled upon as the enemy advanced.

The anger building, Iizuka charged forward, and with blind rage began his flurry of seals. Yet, just as quickly as it had began, a mass hurled itself at him, and he opened his eyes to see that the Hokage had taken him back, forcibly pushing him away from the enemies that had so ruthlessly slaughtered his allies. As the tears welled in his eyes, he could just barely hear the cry of the Hokage, screaming the orders to return and protect all the citizens of the village. He, too, had tears in his eyes, and the dirt and blood had been thrown across his face and body. His clothes had been tattered and ripped, and through the openings you could see small wounds. He had managed to protect himself, but with every wound came a new weakness. The Chuunin could see the weakness the Hokage had already gathered, but yet he had received his orders. What was he to do?

The Hokage, just as quickly as he had came, vanished into the fog of war, where battle-medics had cast themselves over the bodies of the injured, and where the few survivors were meeting their doom. The fallen of the enemy were few, and even through their losses they pushed onwards. The bloodlust in their eyes was clear - there was no stopping this. Clearly, the village would be overtaken. But, how could he move back to protect the villagers at this point? The logical option was not to leave, but only to buy more time so the other Chuunin and Genin could further lead the villagers from harm.

The chakra, fueled by his rage, burst forth from his person. His battle cry echoed over the cries of pain and of combat, and the earth itself was rendered and split as his hands were cast into seals. " Lord Hokage! I refuse to surrdender! " The fissures created by his chakra would soon contort, and from the seams would burst forth spikes, blasting upwards into the enemy numbers at random, and with his control the enemy fell, but of course where one met their end, another hundred rose to take his place. As he gazed into the eyes of a thousand enemies, the crystal armor would be overtaking his body, and the battle-ready Iizuka stepped forth. Leaping into the air, the hundred needles would burst from his person, and each needle flew towards another target. As the bodies that charged at him fell to the earth, stopped in their tracks, the Aburame came to a thudding crash into the earth. The dust rose around him, and as he stood from the small crater, the enemy began to surround him.

They didn't advance just yet, but instead encircled him. Standing at about fifteen meters distance, their overwhelming forces were clearly too much to take on. All around, the battle was continuing, and the countless forces had begun to finally overwhelm and defeat the other Konoha-nin. The thick smoke and fog of war made it impossible to know how they had fared, but the number of ninja that now surrounded the Aburame made it clear that it was not good. Upon each of their faces was a smirk, and within each eye was the glittering bloodlust that had now begun its haunting descent on Iizuka.

The Aburame had also worn a smirk as the enemy surrounded him. As he gazed around, his maniacal cackling began, as if he had gone insane. He opened his arms, welcoming the opponents to attempt to defeat him, and as the sun shone upon his crystalline countenance, the ninja burst in on him. As they ran forward, his cackling grew louder, and from his armor burst thousands upon thousands of insects. Their numbers spread over the Aburame and outwards as the ninja caved in on the black mass, and soon the Kikaichu had overwhelmed the enemy forces. What now remained was the ninja, directing their techniques at the Aburame, at the insects, at one another - and in the center was the Aburame, but soon he, too, was shrouded by the black cloud of insects.

Survivors never did know if the Aburame emerged that day...

Be inventive, there so many ways . I like these two ways in particular, you could use one of these? The first is Book Antiqua font. Just alignd every paragraph either side of the page. Using coloured lines on the top and bottom to make it stand out. The second one is Geogia font, I included coloured text to make it more attractive. Do you like either one?

[zuka]

I'm not sure if this is a problem that can be helped, but perhaps I actually had some fun typing this out. For example, the situation itself was entertaining and I was excited that I would possibly be learning new things from this experience. Whereas normal posts - training for example - I fail to carry it throughout.

As far as the font goes, I really like the first one, and the second one is good as well. Thank you ^_^ I don't have time to continue writing this post, so I'll leave it at here for now.

[ladymia]

Alright, well. I'm glad! Just remember not all RP has to be dull and boring P: RP with friends and people you're experienced at RPing with, to really enjoy yourself. And use those kind of layouts in your post to spice things up. Anyways, I hope this helped. If you need anymore help, ya only have to ask. Your a pupil of here now P:

Seee ya <3


LESSON - [CLOSED]