Lesson A ~ Truce

[ladymia]

Username: Truce
Age: 18


What do you need helped with? I feel like my posts are weak and undescriptive, as well as erraticlly disconnected. Length as well might be a problem, but i am unsure on that.

K, I'll start off with the boring usual. Write out a 2 post piece of RP, entailing your thoughts and feelings after you've just witnessed your father be washed away by a massive wave of water. Your father is your last remaining relative - btw. You are standing atop a tree, which just barely protrudes out from the waters surface.

Oh, and each post should be 4 paragraphs at the bare minimum. Gogogo!

[Truce]

As I sat upon the tip of the tree I climbed to escape the flood that destroyed my village, I added my own liquid to its destructive current. My eyes were flowing, the tears nearly coming off in a solid stream. My entire village, gone, within a few minutes. The village was placed in a valley close to the shore of the Moon Country. I don't know how this Kami forsaken flood happened. And I don't care...

I was currently residing about 2 inches above water level. I was also about 20 feet off the ground. I had scuttled up this tree when I saw the water coming over the edge of the horizon, but i had no idea how devastating this would be. The water hit the first hut with the force of a giant. It was like Kami's hand had wiped across the ground in the form a wall of water. Honestly I wish this damned-able pine had broken as well.

But no. I had to be the only survivor. Everyone I knew, everyone I loved. Dead. My father was wiped away in the flood, he an I were actually about to meet under this same tree. It was his birthday, and I was going to surprise him with a lunch in the sun. It was tearing me apart.

As I sat on the tree swaying in the current, the magnitude of the crushing sorrow I felt slipped away. But its disappearance was only met by an equally crushing anger. I was drowning in it, and even as the water was slowly starting to fade, it was the only thought in my mind. I felt it was my fault my father was dead, and I was alive. I had set up the meeting, I had got the food. I showed up early to get ready, and then the wrath of Kami came crashing down upon me, taking my world with it...

(OOC: SEcond post may not show up for a bit, sorry)

[Truce]

Slamming my fist into the trunk of the tree, I cursed. What was I going to do? My village was gone, I was driving myself insane for not have being able to save my father, the only person that I knew was left of my family, excluding myself. And I know that's not what my father would have wanted, he would have sacrificed his elderly body to allow me to go on, I know that. But I can help it.

Father also would have wanted me to stop sulking around, it wasn't my fault. He would have wanted me to get down there and fix why I could. He'd me saying "Stop being the little boy you act like and finally be a man. You village is damaged, go fix it." he wasn't ever one for support, at least not for his sons. He wanted them to be bigger and better, even if they were at the end of their limits.

But I still loved him. His harsh nature has always pushed me to do my best. He had made my life a challenge, and I think everyone needs a bit of that. But now he was gone, along with me village. There weren't any roofs popping out of the water. No I knew better than to hope for that. I had watched everyone of the walls splinter and cave, some of the debri still floating by. Where ever it landed, it would for the desolate graveyard of my people.

Tears still flowing from my face, the memmories of my crippled city drove me over the brink. I couldn't handle it anymore. I wasnt going to be the only one left. I wouldn't even know how to start after this. It was time for me to join my people. Leaning back, my fingers slipped from the wood. And as I fell to meet the crashing waters of Kami, the last words from my mouth were "Father, I'm coming.."

Fin~~

[ladymia]

Okay, well lets start with general stuff, paragraphs are too short, and while there are some nice adjectives in there, short paragraphs makes your writing look like you haven't really tried. You need to watch your spelling, as they can be a bit iffy in places, also - make sure you stay in the one tense

" Honestly I wish this damned-able pine had broken as well. "

You wished that P: Changing tenses in a piece of writing sticks out like a sore thumb. The layout of the post was also basic and dull, but we'll get to that later. Lets focus on the little details for now. Okay so 1] Now, this isn't going to apply with eeeeeveryone. But I rarely include specific distances/measurements in my RP. Reason being it makes things look so technical, and RP doesn't = technical, it = free. Battle = technical. Keep that in mind. I feel that you kind of rushed the whole dramaticy thing in your first post. I think you should've focused your attention on your feelings BEFORE you saw the waves for the first 3/4 of your first post. I almost always explain the feelings of my character out to a great extent before I RP out a tragedy. It's so that, whenever it comes to the actual tragedy itself, it's much more clear of the emotion. change of your character and can even help the whole 'sad' atmosphere in being more powerful.

Now, I'll stop there for now and let you take all that in. Feel free to ask any questions. When you're ready I'll give you your next task.

[Truce]

No questions really. Ready to go on =D

[ladymia]

Okay, cool. So, asides all that, your actual layout of your text is veeeery dull. Try using different fonts, sizes, colours and alignments to spice up your text, and make it more appealing to read. For example, I'll show you a few ways you can lay stuff out, what it looks like and how you do it:

SPOILER: Click to show

But no. I had to be the only survivor. Everyone I knew, everyone I loved. Dead. My father was wiped away in the flood, he an I were actually about to meet under this same tree. It was his birthday, and I was going to surprise him with a lunch in the sun. It was tearing me apart.

As I sat on the tree swaying in the current, the magnitude of the crushing sorrow I felt slipped away. But its disappearance was only met by an equally crushing anger. I was drowning in it, and even as the water was slowly starting to fade, it was the only thought in my mind. I felt it was my fault my father was dead, and I was alive. I had set up the meeting, I had got the food. I showed up early to get ready, and then the wrath of Kami came crashing down upon me, taking my world with it...

[/right][/font][/spoiler]



Oor

SPOILER: Click to show

_____________________

But no. I had to be the only survivor. Everyone I knew, everyone I loved. Dead. My father was wiped away in the flood, he an I were actually about to meet under this same tree. It was his birthday, and I was going to surprise him with a lunch in the sun. It was tearing me apart.

As I sat on the tree swaying in the current, the magnitude of the crushing sorrow I felt slipped away. But its disappearance was only met by an equally crushing anger. I was drowning in it, and even as the water was slowly starting to fade, it was the only thought in my mind. I felt it was my fault my father was dead, and I was alive. I had set up the meeting, I had got the food. I showed up early to get ready, and then the wrath of Kami came crashing down upon me, taking my world with it...

___________________

[/font]
[/spoiler]

The first one is Lucida Sans Unicode font, aligned left and right reach time. The second one is Garamond font, aligned center, Navy coloured lines to make it feel more enclosed. Oh, and make sure you put colour your speech, it makes things a bit more attractive to read. Now using all the information I've given you, I want you to rewrite those two posts - Ill look at them, and see how you've progressed.

[Truce]

As I sat upon the tip of the tree I climbed to escape the flood that destroyed my village, I added my own liquid to its destructive current. My eyes were flowing, the tears nearly coming off in a solid stream. My entire village, gone, within a few minutes. The village was placed in a valley close to the shore of the Moon Country. I don't know how this Kami forsaken flood happened. And I don't care...

I was currently residing about just above water level. However I was also very, VERY high off the ground. I had scuttled up a tree when I saw the water coming over the edge of the horizon, but I had no idea how devastating this would be. The mind numbing fear forced to work on the only thing it didn't effect: instinct. Two thoughts ran through my head: Fighting, and running. As fighting would have surely gotten me killed, my fear paralyzed body broke out into the one thing it thought it could do. It ran. No no, not across. Up, for that was surely the only way I could avoid this force.

The water hit the first hut with the force of a giant. It was like Kami's hand had wiped across the ground in the form a wall of water. The water ripped into wooden walls, splintering them and making itself all the more deadly. The seemed to hold back the water for a few seconds, it having to run around them, but they quickly splintered murle, half muffled screams coming from those very huts. From in the tree I was till able to hear those gut wrenching. blood curdling screams of my brethren below me. At that moment I honestly I wished that this damned-able pine had broken as well.

But no. I had to be the only survivor. Everyone I knew, everyone I loved. Dead. My father was wiped away in the flood, he an I were actually about to meet under this same tree. It was his birthday, and I was going to surprise him with a lunch in the sun. It seemed so unfitting that his death fell on the anniversary of his birth, and was tearing me apart.

[Truce]

As I sat on the tree swaying in the current, the magnitude of the crushing sorrow I felt slipped away. But its disappearance was only met by an equally crushing anger. I was drowning in it, and even as the water was slowly starting to fade, it was the only thought in my mind. I felt it was my fault my father was dead, and I was alive. I had set up the meeting, I had got the food. I showed up early to get ready, and then the wrath of Kami came crashing down upon me, taking my world with it...

Slamming my fist into the trunk of the tree, I cursed. What was I going to do? My village was gone, I was driving myself insane for not have being able to save my father, the only person that I knew was left of my family, excluding myself. And I know that's not what my father would have wanted, he would have sacrificed his elderly body to allow me to go on, I know that. But I can help it.

Father also would have wanted me to stop sulking around, it wasn't my fault. He would have wanted me to get down there and fix why I could. He'd me saying "Stop being the little boy you act like and finally be a man. You village is damaged, go fix it." he wasn't ever one for support, at least not for his sons. He wanted them to be bigger and better, even if they were at the end of their limits.

But I still loved him. His harsh nature has always pushed me to do my best. He had made my life a challenge, and I think everyone needs a bit of that. But now he was gone, along with me village. There weren't any roofs popping out of the water. No I knew better than to hope for that. I had watched everyone of the walls splinter and cave, some of the debris still floating by. Where ever it landed, it would for the desolate graveyard of my people.

Tears still flowing from my face, the memories of my crippled city drove me over the brink. I couldn't handle it anymore. I wasn't going to be the only one left. I wouldn't even know how to start after this. It was time for me to join my people. Leaning back, my fingers slipped from the wood. And as I fell to meet the crashing waters of Kami, the last words from my mouth were "Father, I'm coming.."

Fin~~

(OOC: Wow. I looked over this second post, realized I forgot to spell check it after I was done the first time. >.< And I wish there was a way to set up an automatic font placer, inserting the text you type between the code, without having to type in the codes. I've seen it before, I may have to look into it...)

[ladymia]

I'm limited on time to write up my evaluation on this, so sorry if it seems rushed. On the whole - MUCH MUCH MUCH better. Better use of punctuation, making more tension in your RP. The font made it look more interesting. And the break up of small paragraphs made it more appealing and easy to look at. My only criticisms are your lack of spelling in certain places and that the whole text is red. Only EVER colour your speech, not your whole text. It looks tacky and boring if you do that.

Asides that, exellent mon amis! Trés trés bien!

P: Try to use what I've taught you here in your normal RP , and if at ANY point you feel as though you're slipping in RP again, or are confused on certain subjects, apply for a lesson. Or if its something which only needs a quick explanation, PM me :]

[Truce]

Thank you for the lesson! ^^ Spelling is definitely not my strong suit. Especially while typing. But I will change the whole color thing, I do agree, though less on the coloring only speech thing. Not a big fan of that. I actually will be applying for a new lesson rather soon, I have been avoiding one subject of this forum for lack of experience. I've never entered a battle forum/thread what so ever, let alone one a specific as a T1 format.

[ladymia]

Alright, well - in my opinion. Colouring the speech gives a nice effect, but it's really up to you. :] You'll only improve things like spelling and punctuation through practice. So get cracking! Apply whenever you want! Just make sure you follow the Battle Request Rules, and post on time! P:

Now, if thats everthing for now, I believe I can lock?

[ladymia]

/Locked