Lesson A ~ Anji

[ladymia]

Username: Anji
Age: 21
What You Want Help With: General improvement

General huh? Lets go then, but know you'll have to work harder. P: I'll start by testing out your RP . Write me 3 posts, each 4 paragraphs long. They can be about anything. Just make sure what you talk about can easily have a lot of detail entailed in it. Also, if you could provide me some links to your previous battles, that would be VERY helpful.

[goliath764]

Wow, three posts now. That's a shit lot to write lolz. But meh...you are the teacher, so I will follow your demand. I will dig the battles after I am done with three posts.

Scenario

Shouta Shimizu and Nikandros de Cervantes are shinobis of Leaf, partner for 3 months. And yeah, I am RPing both my characters at once. One for each post, and a mixed RP for the last post.

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It was just an ordinary night, with serene moonlight shone upon the dirt road. Left side of Shouta - the weirdo guy with fly wings...a Diptera-human hybrid to be extremely precise and scientific and he's one filthy human to begin with - is the beautiful forest of Hi no Kuni, so green and beautiful despite it was already in the middle of autumn. Yellow fallen leaves were all over the ground but still there were a lot of healthy green leaves still on the tree. They might fall before the winter but they were a sign of great life force of the nature and Shouta felt so comfortable in such an environment.

To add to the alluring atmosphere, is the sea on the left side of the path, and that means the left side of Shouta. Sea was just like the mirror of the sky, so dark yet containing a yellow shape among the darkness, adding a little flavor to the boring color choice of the sea.

Wind came from the seaside, sweeping the tightened hair of Shouta left and right. He didn't really bother about the wind. In fact, he likes it as always. He wasn't sure about his partner, but this was just wonderful scene for him. Maybe a little too romantic to be shared among two men that are not...gay but it's one good sight.

Shouta took a deep breathe before answering the question of the gigantic companion of him two hours ago. Well, he couldn't escape it forever and since they were partner, a deeper understanding among them should be developed. "Well, partner, you want me to talk about my life. I guess...I will give it a go. In fact, I want to tell you a secret that I don't tell people but...bu-...I need to prepare for it. So...if you don't mind, maybe you can tell me more about yourself first?" A counter-proposal, it's not like he wanted to not talk about himself, but he needed to ready himself. Also, if his partner is willing to share first, it will give him courage as well. He closed his eyes, ready for the reply while continue to calm himself in such a peaceful atmosphere.

[/blockquote]

[android17]

The other half of the team was Nikandros, one giant of a man and he was indeed extraordinary in a sense. If you think it's only his size that is extraordinary, you have to observe more about this man. He has horn at his forehead, a single horn and a quite long one. He was born like that so he has no complaint. Not like he gave a damn about his weird appearance, it was intermediate enough to help him with some tough jobs as a shinobi.

Being someone born in one of the hottest region of the Narutoverse, the Kaze no Kuni, ordinary guy's "hot" was "normal" to him and so he didn't like the autumn temperature around him. Goddamn it, it felt so cold that he was actually feeling the chill running through his giant body. Another bad thing about having a big body like him was that he was actually feeling double the amount of coldness over the body compare to an ordinary man. Goddamn this. Well, it was good that his partner couldn't survive cold weather as well so they both avoided Yuki no Kuni at all and that's probably why their partnership would last for a long time to come. The reason being the diptera gene inside his body. If you knew some basic stuff about flies, they freeze when they are in an extreme cold temperature.

Despite the fucking weather, he actually liked the atmosphere, nothing was better than a good night like that. The atmosphere certainly reminded him of his day in the Wind Army. Wow, those were fucking long time ago and he was actually marching over such beautiful night under the pressure of war. In a war march, you just don't have the mood or the time to look into the scene, all you are looking is the sign of opponent and trap. That put him into a stressful position and there's no time or mood to actually immerse himself into the beautiful mother nature. Now that he was a shinobi, everything seemed to be better...not really "better", "different" should be the more appropriate word.

He looked into his partner and could easily saw that he has something huge to tell him about. "Sure, I can go first." Nikandros explained his life, from his birth, his adoption, his day in the army, the brilliant life as a gladiator to how he stuck up in the Sand as a shinobi and how he left and joined leaf. "And that's my life as a whole. Come to think of it, darn, I have been talking for quite some time, it's your turn." Nikandros took a sap on his bottled water he normally placed at his waist.

[goliath764]

With the breezing wind intact, Shouta absorbed his partner's life and remarkable events with eyes still closed. He didn't make a sound throughout the entire time as a respect to his partner. Furthermore, he didn't really have anything to say anyway, and part of it was due to the dark secret inside himself for so long now.

At that end of the history of Nikandros de Cervantes, his partner requested him to tell his story now. There's simply no way to escape it now, right? It was him that was asking for history trading, so there we go. "Alright...let's start with the basic stuff." Shouta started to talk his life in detail, but not too detail to the level that it was just freaking boring.

His life was not as epic as Nikandros, there's no soldier-to-gladiator-to-shinobi change, there's no horn-growing-child-adoption, just ordinary life of a human being lived by a half-human being. After like twenty minutes of story, he was reaching the secret part. It was time to bust it out, and you could easily see through Shouta that he was freaking nervous about it.

"The reason I left Sound...was because...I murdered two guys." The beast was a little surprised by his partner, wow...this dude actually killed somebody out of his official duty. For Shouta, it was justice at that moment. Images of the incident flashed on his mind as he spoke out that line of words. "Both guys...were involved in the hospital massacre. I don't know what are on their psychotic mind, but they are just killing everyone on the hospital for no purpose, including my girlfriend." Shouta was a bit shaken at that moment, damn...the first human that he really cared about...was freaking murdered? He paid it back by tracking these two guys on his own and eliminated them into the depth of Hell. It was justice at the moment, but it was crime. If he was cool at that moment, maybe he could actually kill them both when this incident was up on the mission board...but no...those guys might escape, there's no time to wait and it was justice after all. "Let's continue..." When Shouta wanted to continue, his partner paused him.

"No, we are close to our target area. Let's do some work first, and we will talk more later on. It's time to fuck somebody up, partner." Nikandros said. Yeah, it's time to rock!

[goliath764]

Failed to RP both guys in the last post but whatever xD

Fight Links:

Link 1
Link 2
Link 3

[ladymia]

Exellent! It was really good, and if Im honest I doubt theres many big improvements you can make to your actual RP , but I guess there are a few little adjustments you could work on. To start, remember you don't always have to put " He said " after every speech your character does, you did it at one point in your RP, and because you didn't do it anywhere else it stood out a little, do it with every speech or not at all. Otherwise it looks a bit..messy?

Next, Im all for swearing in RP. But don't over do it. Otherwise it really just looks like it was written by someone in a bad mood, who didn't try to put much thought in their writing. Also, When not in speech, as in - when your in your narrative , I wouldn't be so..erm, how can I say it ..blunt about things? Sorry, this might confuse you, for example. A character, when they speak, can be open to other people, they can be big mouthed, chatty etc. Because they're a character, and all characters have personality traits. But narrators of the story, ie you, me or anyone else. Who describe whats happening outside of speech of the characters. Are usually only supposed to be describing whats happening outside of the speech of the character, like the way the character looks, the surroundings, the way they speak etc.

You would never see, in a book - a narrator showing his or her own personality traits bluntly, only if you studied the way he writes their books, what they write about, when they write them, would it be you could maybe understand something about their personality. But if you wrote things like " Yeah, it's time to rock! " or " wow...this dude actually killed somebody out of his official duty. " it would seem like it was written by a child, because the narrator is showing how he or she reacts to something the character said. Now I understand everyone has their own style of RP, and whether they write it in the 1st person or 3rd person need not matter. But, Im just suggesting to you, that perhaps you should consider a change in how you narrate what happens?

[goliath764]

Good point on the narrator. I am actually putting the personality over the entire post, which is...unsuitable for 3rd person RP I guess, 1st person should be better since it's all the character's thought. Yet I enter the character's thought into my narrator's view without actually err...making it the character's thought(by italic-ting the words). For the swearing, I guess I overdid it lolz, but Nikandros swears a lot, so I swears when I RP as him. And hey, you have a few good points here, I can still improve thanks to your advice.

Anything I can work with now? And...what's your purpose checking my battle if you don't mind me asking? Oh yeah, one thing I would like to work with is that let's say my partner's post isn't long and I have a lack of thing to work with for my next post, how should I...lengthen or just put more quality into my next post then?

[ladymia]

No probs <3

You could perhaps work on making your text more attractive? Using different fonts, colouring speech - really effective, aligning different paragraphs on different sides of the page. One on the left, one the right, one on the left again etc. People will probably want to read your posts more if you do stuff like that. Oh, and I don't actually look at battles in Lesson Threads, I only do that in Battle Threads Lol If you want a battle lesson, you have to make another thread following the rules. But be warned, if you are going to make a battle thread, know that I'm pretty rubbish at fighting.

Oh, don't worry about that. If the previous poster didn't give you much material to work with in your post you don't need to include much. But if you really wanted, you could make some material yourself. Something like this:

" Just as my ally left the area, one other seemed to approach it. His long blond ragged hair was very noticeable, even from such a distance. Carrying a large umbrella on his back, or what at least - I thought was an umbrella. Was he looking a fight? Under no circumstances, in my current condition could I fight, not after the previous fight. However, in this location, escape would be difficult, if he was looking for fight, I suppose he'd have to have it. I drew a kunai, and allowed him to approach, just to see what he'd do.. "

You can just make something up to extend your posts more, if doesn't necessarily have to do with your opponent/RP companion.

[goliath764]

Well, you did ask me to give you link to my battle on your first post when I have no intention on learning battle here. That's why I am asking.

Well, anything more you want me to do?

[ladymia]

I asked you to post a battle thread to see a little of your RP. The general style of how you do it, before I saw you post in this thread with your 3 RP posts.

And , if you want - you can make one post, 4 paragraphs long. Using the attractive text I talked about, using different word alignments. And fonts.

[goliath764]

Errr...I think I don't need the format stuff, I can try it when I need it. I guess this class is done and thanks for the lesson.

[ladymia]

Well, its up to you. But it makes your posts look much nicer, now then - should this be locked?

[goliath764]

Yeah, go ahead and lock.

[ladymia]

Locked.