Lesson A ~ zenoske

[ladymia]

Username: zenoske1ryu
Age: 17
What You Want Help With: everything in general

K. Go make 5 posts, each 4 paragraphs long. About whatever you want. Just make sure you fit in lots of detail.

[zenoske1ryu]

Ryu walked into the Clan training grounds early in the morning, he figured that training would be a good way to get out of doing work. It was the perfect scapegoat. After his most recent fight, he had decided to try learning some ninjustu in secret. He was going to spend an entire day learning new ninjustu, he would technically be “working”, but it was going to be different because he actually liked learning.

Today he was planning on learning as many ninjustu techniques as possible without killing himself. It was a cold morning and the frost was biting at him so he decided to start fast so that he would warm up. The clan training area was a hundred by a hundred meter training field. The majority of the area was covered in short green grass but they were patches dotted around the field where the grass had been worn down leaving just dirt in its place. Around the outskirts of the area where hundreds of Norway Spruce trees this made the area in closed, stopping prying eyes from watching the clan members when they trained.

At the far end of the field was three training dummies they were made out of hemp and stuffed with straw, today Ryu would be using them in his training. A light covering of snow was all over the area, and would probably increase as the training went on as more snow was falling. Ryu made a quick look around to check that nobody was watching him, as he didn't want people knowing he was using ninjustu. For today’s training Ryu had decided to wear his armor his reason for this was it would give him a more realist training environment.

The outfit consisted of a black baggy top and pants with blood red samurai style armor over the top. Ryu's waist length black hair was look especially messy today due to him rushing out to train, although he had managed to tie his head band to stop hair from covering his face. Ryu had brought with him his katana, which rested on his left side. The jet black scabbard tied to his waist. In his butt bag he had ten Bo-Shuriken ready to be used at any time.

[zenoske1ryu]

As all of his weapons were metal he was considering whether or not he could use some of his lightning ninjustu to amplify they power. Ryu pulled out a piece of parchment it was old and tattered at the edges. On it was a list of ninjustu that Ryu planed on learning; his eyes scanned the list looking for a technique to learn his confidence had been boosted since the last time he trained so he decided to try a B rank this time. He didn’t have any particular technique in mind; the only specification was that it would be a lightning type.

One ninjustu court his eye so he read the description out aloud to himself “After forming the last hand seal, a stream of lightning will release in front of the user's hand and chain through the user's targets. The lightning is weaker after it chain through every opponent, the first opponent receive the full damage of it, the lightning is still quite powerful when it touches the second opponent but is not really powerful when it hits the last target. The lightning travels at the speed of 45 meter/second so it is quite hard to avoid. The first target must be in front of the user and the angle that ordinary human eyes can see when the lightning is released. The lightning can travel up to 30 meters so the distance between the user and the first target, the distance between the first target and the second target and the distance between the second target and the third target must be within the traveling range of the lightning for the jutsu to work. This jutsu has a radius of 40 meters, with the user being the mid-point of it; the lightning will not make it out of the radius. The user must hold the last hand seal for the duration of the jutsu.” [/size]

This technique looks like a good one to make a start on I bet I can use it against clones as well. So the technique jumps from one target to the next doing damage as it goes, this sounds hard to do no wonder it’s a B rank” said Ryu to himself. Now for the most important part of the technique the hand seals, without them the technique wouldn’t work and Ryu would just be stood they like a loser. This technique required eighteen hand seals to be cast successfully Ryu would have to recall them from memory perfectly to use the ninjustu.

Ryu began to read the hand seals from the paper. Before long the seals were imprinted in his mind, but just to check he preformed the eighteen hand seals twice. Now for the next step, Ryu would have to think about the technique and make the correct image in his mind. The technique was a flow of lightning so, that’s what Ryu pictured in his mind a bolt of lightning. It wasn’t that hard for him to do but neither the less a necessary part of the training.

[zenoske1ryu]

Ryu how ever doubted that the technique would work like it was meant to. But it wouldn’t be that big of a deal if it didn’t work first time after all he had all day to work at it. Facing the dummies he quickly formed the eighteen hand seals that were required and shouted “Chain Lightning” Ryu’s hands glowed white as chakra rushed to it, when he open his palm blue lightning flowed from his finger tips like a bolt from the sky. The beams where impressive a light blue color spanning out like a lightning storm, the air was filled with a sound that was like birds cheeping.

The beams travel forward towards the dummies but after about ten meters the glowing lightning dissipates failing to reach its target. Ryu simpler watched the beams extend from his hands admiring his work even though it didn’t work as it was meant to. He was as disappointed as anyone else would be but decided to press on, as he was impressed by the progress he had made on such a difficult technique. He stopped to analysis what had went wrong with the technique.

It was clear that it didn’t have enough range as it should be able to span thirty meters. This was going to be difficult but Ryu wouldn’t ask for help, he couldn’t because then people would know that he was learning ninjustu. Perhaps the technique didn’t work because it had used all of the chakra that Ryu had gathered in his hands before it reached the thirty meter distance. If this was the case Ryu would have to gather more chakra before using the move, maybe he could start whiles he was making the hand seals.

His first error was how easy he thought the technique would be he had failed to recognize the gap between a C rank and a B rank technique, he had not put enough energy into it. But no point crying over spilt milk, he would just have to try harder next time. He would gather more energy to make sure he had at least the range for the move. Ryu started making the hand seals that were needed for the move at the same time pulling in chakra to his hands. As he formed the last seal he shouted “Chain Lightning”

As Ryu’s hand glowed white he continued to pour more chakra in to his hands, until he finally opened his hands lightning crackled around his fingers as it exploded out towards the target. The beautiful blue lightning rushed from his hands as it forked and then hit the target. The electric pulsated though the dummy and sparks jumped from it. But it didn’t seem to be damaged enough for a B rank move Ryu was expecting it to at least catch on fire or something similar.

[zenoske1ryu]

As Ryu’s hand glowed white he continued to pour more chakra in to his hands, until he finally opened his hands lightning crackled around his fingers as it exploded out towards the target. The beautiful blue lightning rushed from his hands as it forked and then hit the target. The electric pulsated though the dummy and sparks jumped from it. But it didn’t seem to be damaged enough for a B rank move Ryu was expecting it to at least catch on fire or something similar.

Just as he had got past one problem Ryu walked right into another now his technique didn’t cause enough damage, for a B rank at least something had to have been wrong with it. Ryu rubbed his head and thought for a while, before coming to the conclusion that his chakra wasn’t refined enough. He had already been told that he had more than one type of chakra nature so it made scene that if he was just using all types of chakra, that it wouldn’t be as effective as just using his lightning type. The only problem was Ryu didn’t have a clue how to do that.

SFX: energy charging noises. Ryu starts to pull in his chakra to his hands as he begins to make the hand seals that are need for the ninjustu his hands glowing a bright white. “Chain Lightning!!” he screamed as he opened his palms and released the lightning. The lightning swarmed all over his hands and blasted forward towards the dummy, splitting and reforming as the flow moved forward.
SFX: lightning noise The lightning hits the target setting it on fire. “Yeah take that bitch”. The flames quickly extinguished as the dummy was covered in snow. Not that Ryu cared he had perfected the power side of the technique. The lightning started to run out and the stream got smaller and smaller until it stopped leaving only few sparks flying from Ryu’s hand.

[zenoske1ryu]

He did how ever notice that the lightning didn’t jump to the next dummy like it was meant to. This was another key problem Ryu hadn’t noticed it last time he had been concentrating on the power of the first attack. This would likely play a key part of his technique and was something he would need to improve on. But how would he be able to do that the first two problems had been easy compared to this he didn’t even have a vague idea of how to do it.

After learning the latest part to the ninjustu Ryu decided to take a break for a while. He had made sure to pack plenty of food; he was not planning on returning for quite some time and would need to replenish himself often whilst he was learning all of these different ninjustu. He packed nutrition bars, energy drink, protein shakes and other healthy things that were not to filling, but would give his the energy he needed. He sat against a large tree munching on one of his nutrition bars and drinking a protein shake.

This was all he ever ate anyways, so he did not mind. He did this because he spent most of his time training. He also really needed to replenish himself because he was planning on learning a higher level ninjustu, which would take his quite some time to learn. He was a little worried about this one; he was not so interested in mastering it, as simply being able to cast it. It was a dangerous ninjustu to be cast.

In knowing this he decided to take a nap before training again. He leaned his head against the tree and quickly dozed off. He awoke several hours later, feeling fully charged and ready to train yet again. He was not exactly sure how learning this ninjustu would go, but he hoped learning it did not do his too much harm.

[ladymia]

I'll start by apologising for such a tremendously long wait. If I hadn't had so much coursework and christmas shopping to do, I could've been online more to do this post. However, when I was online - the Chunin Exams occupied most of my time :S So yeh, sorry.

Anyway, I'll start by saying if I was to grade this training - I wouldn't give it anything particulary high. Reason being? Lack of detail, there really just wasn't enough. The first part, about the frost biting you, you should compare the feeling of the frost, or the pain with something else. Use similies to enhance your detail! Or if you want to be really classy, use a matephor ;D Similes, in case you didn't know, compare things/objects to each other using ' like ' or ' as ' eg. ' as light as a feather '. While a metaphor is literally stating something IS something else eg. ' the cold bit hard upon his frost fingers ' Frost referring to the temperature they would be in the cold. Bare this in mind as you bring in new elements to your RP, such as the snow you see, the trees, the grass. Describe what they look like , how they make you feel, compare them to other things etc. Thoughts and feelings are essential in a good RP, and they help to input great imagery. Look over your posts again, and think about detail and descriptions you could add to certain things.

Next thing I'll bring up, is spelling and punctuation - make sure its correct! Throughout all your posts you continually refer ' ninjutsu ' as ' ninjustu ' . You also spell ' armour ' wrong, you spell it - ' armor ' . You also put ' analysis ' at one point, which is in the wrong tense for the context its put in. It should be - ' analyse. ' Make good use of spellcheck, as it will underline spelling mistakes that you make throughout your posts, although things like ' ninjutsu ' and ' Raiton ' it obviously won't pick up, you should take particular care with these type of words. You must also take note of your wrong placing of full stops in your RP. I'll give you a few examples :

• It was the perfect scapegoat. After his most recent fight, he had decided to try learning some ninjustu in secret.
  
  
• Today he was planning on learning as many ninjustu techniques as possible without killing himself. It was a cold morning and the frost was biting at him so he decided to start fast so that he would warm up. The clan training area was a hundred by a hundred meter training field.
  
  
• Ryu had brought with him his katana, which rested on his left side. The jet black scabbard tied to his waist. In his butt bag he had ten Bo-Shuriken ready to be used at any time.
  

You can see that your sentences are increasingly short, some sentences not even reaching a line in length. Commas are there for a reason, they break up sentences into smaller chunks. You can also use the ' ; ' or ' - '. The semi-colon is used to break two sentences apart without having to bring them to a stop , with a full stop. A dash, hyphen etc. is used to break a sentence apart, which can be either to separate a sentence into two, or put emphasis on a certain word or bunch of words. Make use of punctuation! It can improve RP by a hell of a lot, and is a major need to me, when I write my RP in my own style.

[ladymia]

Next thing I'll add, is that for SFX - you don't really need to put 'SFX ' , into your posts. Just describe the sounds of the objects/things in your actual posts, its a hell of a lot more effective. Eg:
SFX Crashing noise

or " There was one tremendous crash, as if a seemingly vigourous explosion had broke out "

See what I mean? Oh yes, and a few tips for training - waffle! If you don't know what that means, it means basicly BS your way through it xD At one point, when you describe your handseals, you merely say they were performed, and done so twice. When you could've described what each individual handseal looks like, what handseal it was, and what order it was done in, what number of handseals were needed etc. You could form at least a couple of paragraphs on that if you went into enough detail. And, since you're doing that twice you could have an entire post - with a +10, in just 4 paragraphs. Thats what I do :]

Finally, I highly suggest you put some sort of font or colour change into your RP, its not really attractive looking at walls of plain text, which is all the same colour. I'll give you an example of ways you could make your text attractive.

Font=Lucida Sans Unicode, for lines and speech

SPOILER: Click to show

________________________

As all of his weapons were metal he was considering whether or not he could use some of his lightning ninjustu to amplify they power. Ryu pulled out a piece of parchment it was old and tattered at the edges. On it was a list of ninjustu that Ryu planed on learning; his eyes scanned the list looking for a technique to learn his confidence had been boosted since the last time he trained so he decided to try a B rank this time. He didn’t have any particular technique in mind; the only specification was that it would be a lightning type.

One ninjustu court his eye so he read the description out aloud to himself “After forming the last hand seal, a stream of lightning will release in front of the user's hand and chain through the user's targets. The lightning is weaker after it chain through every opponent, the first opponent receive the full damage of it, the lightning is still quite powerful when it touches the second opponent but is not really powerful when it hits the last target. The lightning travels at the speed of 45 meter/second so it is quite hard to avoid. The first target must be in front of the user and the angle that ordinary human eyes can see when the lightning is released. The lightning can travel up to 30 meters so the distance between the user and the first target, the distance between the first target and the second target and the distance between the second target and the third target must be within the traveling range of the lightning for the jutsu to work. This jutsu has a radius of 40 meters, with the user being the mid-point of it; the lightning will not make it out of the radius. The user must hold the last hand seal for the duration of the jutsu.”

" This technique looks like a good one to make a start on I bet I can use it against clones as well. So the technique jumps from one target to the next doing damage as it goes, this sounds hard to do no wonder it’s a B rank” said Ryu to himself. Now for the most important part of the technique the hand seals, without them the technique wouldn’t work and Ryu would just be stood they like a loser. This technique required eighteen hand seals to be cast successfully Ryu would have to recall them from memory perfectly to use the ninjustu.

________________________

Hope this helped!

[zenoske1ryu]

No problem about the wait

Thanks I’ve started using more metaphors since writing this and have started to colour my speaking, I do run all of my posts though words spell checker but as you say they wont pick up some of the words, I think it must be set on American hence the "armor". My sentence have increased, and I’ve stopped using "SFX" because that was me just being lazy. Good idea about the hand seals. As for the font suggestion it sounds good to me, currently in my posts outside of training I just make it size1, but I will give changing the font a go. As for the colour I don’t talk much in my role play, so any ideas where I could use colour ?

On a final note what would you like me to do next ?

[ladymia]

If you use speech, Use colour

Otherwise, use it for things like [enter] , [exit] or ' ____ ' 's. ;]
Try to make another post, using what I've taught you. And TAKE YOUR TIME
Take in everything I just told you.

[zenoske1ryu]

[BG=2c2c2c][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,540,true] [enter] The area itself was named district 51, a place located close to boarder in the land of Rain, Yukimaru had be assigned by the duchess of Mo to scout out the area and to ready for an attack at any time at any time his mission was to collect information on whether or not there was any resources left that could be salvaged from the ruins. "hmm looks like a nice place" He was standing next to a over turned bus on a raised bit of road. Underneath the rubble on the floor was a tunnel wide enough for two vehicles to pass though side by side. Yūkimaru looked around quickly scanning the area, the road he is standing on was highly damaged as was the rest of the environment. The buildings around him look as if a war had happened here as they are all gravely damaged the windows in buildings shattered leaving glass close by on the floor which was mixed with the rubble that had fell from the buildings. Close to where Yūkimaru was stand is a building it appears that the half closest to him had collapsed, opposite it another one seemed that it had been split in half, as if by a sword. As he looked around the area as a whole, he saw that it was a long road of abandoned high rise buildings. The area was littered with rubble and the remains of whatever attack had happened here. He could, however, use this to his advantage. "looks like someone has, had a massive battle here" As he was primarily a Taijutsu user, he'd be able to find easy cover against ninjutsu amongst the ruins. Glancing up to the clear sky he looked at the sun judging from its position and the shadows cast of the buildings it must have been around three in the afternoon, which meant that he had arrived early from his travels from the village of Mo. Eleven meters away from Yūkimaru was a large shard that had fallen from one of the buildings; the shard was at a angle to Yūkimaru that would be approximately 20 degrees to Yūkimaru’s left meaning that Yūkimaru was in front of it. Five meters to the right of Yūkimaru were two tall building; there was a narrow walkway between them. For today’s mission Yūkimaru had came tooled up with Six katana’s five on his back in a cross formation, one on the left side of his belt and a wire sword on his right side. Yūkimaru’s butt bag was full equip and on his left side. He had his goggles pulled down over his eyes, and his gas mask on. This keep the majority of his waist length white hair, close to his head as the straps ran through it. Yūkimaru’s deep blue eyes were obscured to anybody looking at him due to the goggles making it difficult for them to see them. But this wouldn’t affect Yūkimaru’s eye site. As for clothing Yūkimaru had his medium size gourd on his back, over his grey robes. The robes were of a normal fit and wouldn’t inhibited his movement in the slightest he had a thick black cotton tie around his shoulder going down to his waist to hold the gourd on properly. This color would help him to blend into the city and make it hard for any foe to see him. He was wearing fairly baggy cotton pants that wear wrapped with black bandages at the bottom to not limit his movement; he had his black gloves pulled firmly over his hands as well. "Time to look for them resources" He drew his wire sword with his right hand and the katana on his belt with his left, he held them in a reverse grip this was an unorthodox method but Yūkimaru could use it due to his ambidexterity. He would scan the area for any people in the area; the thermal imaging from his goggles would make this task a lot easier.

[/font][/size]

[ladymia]

EXELLENT! Much, much, much, much better. Just one spelling mistake at the start - ' be ' instead of ' been ' just make sure to proof read a few times first : ] . Anyway, nice vocab used, I like the pink, the font size change, and the black background. I've never seen that before lol

Perhaps you should try using that type of post in an actual IC RP thread now?

[zenoske1ryu]

yep I see what you mean about the error.

Thanks, the background colour and coloured text was so that it looks the same on all of th skins , Ive done the same on the new bio I am making.

I proberly will use a post like that soon, once I get out of the Mo palace.

So what would you like me to do next ?

[ladymia]

You wanted help with everything. So make a battle thread. And I'll help you out.

[zenoske1ryu]

ok thread made
link
T1 MP rules

[ladymia]

I actually meant in the school, I don't usually teach outside of it, but - that'll do xD