Two short poems by me

[ethan]

Hey guys I just joined and planed to make a chArecter soon after I do a little more readin you guys have this thing set up Pretty complicated but that kind of makes it cool then I found his the poetry section witch immedianly made me think to share so please enjoy my i guess up call them freeform poems be aware I use them to balance the lift with dark this is dark

As the voices scratch the back of his head he is slowly reminded he should already be dead cold numbness relieved by he realizes he can never truly be sain as the blood flows through his vains to his brain out his arm who know words so few heard could cause so much harm words that ment worthless and useless those words that leave a gapping hole in each of our soul that we wish to fill with use with purpose to prove your not worthless although you are as they said those words scar us all waiting as we fall just stalling the inevitably decline in our mind hoping we can find someone kind to drag us out of the black

Second pain a concept so simple yet plain what is there to gain through pain but to become insane always crazy never lazy always racing trying and retracing every wrong step we have taken and shaken our souls through despair and sadness in the light of true madness a Plight to bravey so sour yet savory this power as it devours you from the Inside out

Those are. My poems I'm new here so tell me if you liked them and any and all advice for the forum and poetry would be apreciated

[ladymia]

Welcome to the forum. Here's some constructive critisizm for your poetry and writing:

-> One, use punctuation and connecting words like ' and ' , but ' , ' then ' etc. There is practically none of either throughout both poems. Its difficult to tell where one line ends and another starts.

-> Make sure you put capital letters in the right place, and take the time to spell check everything, there's a lot of spelling errors

-> Make sure the words you use in your poem are put in the correct order. Eg. " cold numbness relieved by he realizes " - this doesn't make any sense/

-> Break your poems up into different stanzas, they're both just a big cluster of lines and words at the moment.

-> Try to use more effective, relevant words. For example; " voices scratch the back of his head " - I'm not sure there's any point trying to personify ' voices ', since they come from humans, who are people anyway. Scratching also is a bit of a boring word in this instance, unless you used it in alliteration, I reckon you should remove it, and replace it with something more exciting like " as the voices invade his thoughts " ..or something.

-> I don't like things which are written in first person, not your problem obviously, but you should try writing in different styles before setting your heart on always writing in the first person.

I guess just work on these things for the time being, and you can expect a dramatic difference in how good your poetry is. Hope you stay on the forums for a while, it needs as many active members as possible C:

- Kitty.

[ethan]

Thanks for the criticism usually thought i write it to read it and I know how i said it but I should have been smart enough to know other people wouldn't well read them like me also with the word scratches that's supposed to symbolize the aspect that the voices are scratching carving destroying his mind his soul who he is
and thank you for your warm welcome